Mind Games

The truth is,a person could say 12 words to me and I will pick just one word to remember.And this word will turn my mood around (not in a good way) and I can obsess over how this word and this person has hurt my feelings.

Writing this,now that I think about it,I had always tried to see the good in people but choose to focus on how would they possibly hurt me in the future.

Sometimes I think,oh! I’m an emotionally intelligent person,I can see what people are trying to say without actually saying it to me, this person doesn’t appreciate me,they don’t know how much something they say could hurt someone.

Then,I start thinking Oh No!!! I’m being negative.Nobody owes me anything,I should stop putting expectations.I shouldn’t expect everyone to give me what I’m am willing to give anyone.I’m being too sensitive.If I ever point out my feelings,people would think that I’m childish and nobody would want to speak to me anymore.

And all these thoughts,it happens within minutes! 

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3a.m thoughts – why am I doing this??

I had always been this person that doesn’t know how to convey my thoughts and talk out loud(with confidence)Every time I say something (like literally every single time) or even think of starting a conversation, I feel like I’ve said the wrong thing, shouldn’t have said anything, nobody’s listening to me and the list goes on and on and on.There are times where I was so loud in mind and so distant in an actual conversation.

I guess a part of me knows that I’m worth it and there’s this other dominant part that feels that I’m a failure. That aside, getting back to the point, what’s my damn purpose?

This blog will be my platform to write my thoughts, opinions and ideas out loud (this is the loudest I could get right now).  For the upcoming days. I am going to write down my fears and feelings about things that are happening in my life and surroundings. I do hope that I will meet people like me and grow with them via this platform.And I am just going to click Publish right now, cause I haven’t been able to do it for quite some time now.